Have you ever suddenly needed a change? An instant change because you felt like you needed some control in your life? I just had one of those moments. I just decided to rip my book shelf apart because it bothered me. I didn’t realize why it bothered me so much until I started. The books that were staring at me were all bright and cheery like they were commanding that i be the same. they have happy endings and not a lot of struggle to them.
I read them because sometimes I just want to read fluff that has a good happy ending every time because i don’t seem to get that in my real life. These books have been staring at me, judging me and my choices for months and finally I broke. I have books i like more behind them so why don’t i display those ones instead? Why did it take me so long to finally do this, to finally change the environment I’m in constantly?
The change will be good a sense of control i have instead of the insane kayos that is my life. I’m sorry i totally just word vomited but in a way I feel more free than i have in months. I’m finally starting to slowly get myself back together after the months of really bad depression, friendship struggles, family lose and financial issues. Am I myself yet? No, because honestly i no longer know who that is and that’s okay. I have changed a lot in the last year but not all of it has been bad. I’ve learned to stand up for myself more, that I don;t need to hold onto toxic relationships that were once great but now make me feel terrible about myself and all my choices. I’m nowhere closer to where i would like to be but I’m a hell of a lot closer than who i was.
I’ve had so much time to rethink all of my life decisions and wish i had a time machine to fix some things I wish i hadn’t done like:
- Paid for a trip on a line of credit
- Gone to university right after high school instead of taking a break
- Confronted old friends instead of eventually loosing them when i finally broke over something small
- Not gotten a full time job sooner and in something i would actually like.
- Wasted money on stupid things i didn’t need and now don’t even really want
I’m learning to own my mistakes so i don’t make them again, to be smarter as i grow up. Sure i’ll make so many more mistakes because that’s life but I’m hoping that ill take something from this so i wont make these ones.
If anyone is actually reading this then I wish you luck and know that eventually it’ll get better even if it doesn’t feel that way. it took me months of crying, drinking and just laying in bed all the time because i physically couldn’t get out of bed because of my depression to learn this.
Lots of love,