Hello to my Broken Heart

Broken hearts come in so many forms. Relationships, friendships, family etc. I cant say I’m familiar with any of them until now. I didn’t realize how much a friendship can break your heart and take a piece of you You know what the worst part is? That the person doesn’t even know that they’re slowly killing you inside bit by bit.

I’m not even 100% sure when this all started thats the worst part. I know I am part of the blame of how it started but now now this isnt me anymore.

I think im ready to let go of this friendship after all these years. I cant even believe I’m considering this decision. this is the person who I used to call my person for so many years and now I want to let go. I’m blaming it partly on another person. i feel like they have stolen my person from me and changed her, changed her into less of the person I know and love and more of a judgey and mean person.

I want the girl who knew me, who knew what I meant with just a gesture, the girl who I have so many great memories with and so much growth with. I dont want us to stay the same because that wont get us anywhere but I want us to stay together and grow seperately. I dont even know if thats possible anymore but I still have this tiny bit of hope that it is.

That being said im done trying. I was trying so hard after I drifted and it wasnt met. Once I stopped reaching out I noticed that she wasnt reaching out period and this lead me to realize that i didnt want to feel like the only one in the realtionship trying. I want to feel like she wants to talk to me or wants to check up or tell me funny things not like I’m nagging her to talk to me. I started to find myself finding an excuse to message her or have a problem just to talk to her. It was met with half ass responses most of the time.

Ive also started to notice that I’m hiding things from her, big things that I’m feeling because I’m afraid of her response now. Before I wouldnt have even considered this but now I’m afraid of her judgement because im not sure I can take it anymore.

I became petty after this and decided to do what she had been doing to me for so long. Where did that get me? Absolutely fucking nowhere because I dont think she even noticed my lack of responses. I had convinced myself she would suddenly have an epiphany and understand what I was doing but nope, that didnt happen.

I then decided to bite the bullet. I told her we needed to talk finally in person. I did take a shot at her by saying that it hasnt to be a scheduled thing, not a fit me between other plans kinda thing. I don’t feel bad saying it because thats mainly what our plans have been lately. This will likely be one of the hardest things I will do because after I have to decode what is best for me. Is holding onto someone who knows me so well worth losing pieces of me because it hurts me so badly? I’ll have to wait and see I guess.

Word Vomit with a Side of Truth

Have you ever suddenly needed a change? An instant change because you felt like you needed some control in your life? I just have one of those moments. I just decided to rip my book shelf apart because it bothered me. I didn’t realize why it bothered me so much until I started. The books that were staring at me were all bright and cheery like they were commanding that i be the same. they have happy endings and not a lot of struggle to them.

I read them because sometimes I just want to read fluff that has a good happy ending every time because i don’t seem to get that in my real life. These books have been staring at me, judging me and my choices for months and finally I broke. I have books i like more behind them so why don’t i display those ones instead? Why did it take me so long to finally do this, to finally change the environment I’m in constantly?

The change will be good a sense of control i have instead of the insane kayos that is my life. I’m sorry i totally just word vomited but in a way I feel more free than i have in months. I’m finally starting to slowly get myself back together after the months of really bad depression, friendship struggles, family lose and financial issues. Am I myself yet? No, because honestly i no longer know who that is and that’s okay. I have changed a lot in the last year but not all of it has been bad. I’ve learned to stand up for myself more, that I don;t need to hold onto toxic relationships that were once great but now make me feel terrible about myself and all my choices. I’m nowhere closer to where i would like to be but I’m a hell of a lot closer than who i was.

I’ve had so much time to rethink all of my life decisions and wish i had a time machine to fix some things I wish i hadn’t done like:

  • Paid for a trip on a line of credit
  • Gone to university right after high school instead of taking a break
  • Confronted old friends instead of eventually loosing them when i finally broke over something small
  • Not gotten a full time job sooner and in something i would actually like.
  • Wasted money on stupid things i didn’t need and now don’t even really want

I’m learning to own my mistakes so i don’t make them again, to be smarter as i grow up. Sure i’ll make so many more mistakes because that’s life but I’m hoping that ill take something from this so i wont make these ones.

If anyone is actually reading this then I wish you luck and know that eventually it’ll get better even if it doesn’t feel that way. it took me months of crying, drinking and just laying in bed all the time because i physically couldn’t get out of bed because of my depression to learn this.

 

Lots of love,

Steph ❤

 

Life lessons learned by 23

I know life lessons is something you learn later but I feel by 23 I’ve learned actually a lot of good lessons in life. Things I didn’t know at the time were lessons. Once I hit there’s lots of things looking back I would’ve done a lot differently. Here’s a list of lessons I’ve learned so far. Many of these go hand in hand with other ones.

  1. Do not piss off someone you want to get a reference from- I feel like this says it all in the job world.
  2. Never put a trip on a student line of credit. It never ends well and nor does it go away as quickly as you think it would. It sits there and mocks you when you’re at your lowest points.
  3. Soul searching trips don’t always mean you’ll find yourself.
  4. 6 week trips=pack LIGHT
  5. 3 am online shopping is a terrible idea and you never need it.
  6. Don’t shop/mainly online shop to make yourself feel better, it doesn’t work for long and is an endless cycle.
  7. University is not for everyone. I did 2 years of university and decided to take a gap year because I went to Europe. It then turned into 2 years and then 3 and then I wasn’t even sure why I thought about going back in the first place. University is not a good place for me. Ive learned because as I’ve gotten older my anxiety really started to kick in and school was the worst. I remember one day I just looked at my friend and told her simply “I cant breathe I think I’m having an anxiety attack”.we didn’t end up going to class and proceeded to talk about it al. That was the first moment I wondered if school was for me.
  8. Time management is seriously a thing. I’m still forever learning this because it hasn’t quite stuck. I have a stupid busy life where I don’t get to see my friends too often so I need to be on top of my schedule if I want to hope to maybe see one friend a week or so.
  9. If a friendship is not good for you and makes you feel awful then drop that friendship. This is one I’m just learning. Ive lost a few friendships since high school, some being with friends I thought were some of my best.This being said I don’t regret it in the slightest. Do I miss them? Sure I miss what we were but I’m also not the person I was so it wouldn’t be the same. There’s been lesssons I’ve learned in the loss that I likely wouldnt have learned on my own.
  10. Have a great support of people around you. This sounds obvious but when push ones to shove you want to know who to call ina crisis. I have a person who I literally tell everything to. She knows what to say or do always when I’m either really depressed or super anxious.
  11. Know that it’s okay to fall apart sometimes but that you do have to pick up the pieces and move on. I’m still learning this one slowly.

I know these may seem small or obvious but honestly some of these have been the hardest for me to learn.

On The Hunt

So I’ve been trying to find a new job forever and by forever I mean since November. It’s much harder than I thought to get something that gives me enough hours that I can pay my bills. It also really puts things into perspective too. I’ve hit the point in my life that I don’t want to work dead end jobs if I’m not going to go back to school. I’ll probably touch on the school thing in another post.

I need something that I can possibly see as a career, something I actually like. I don’t really want to be a sales associate for the rest of my life especially since I hate it and suck at it.

Looking for that kind of job has brought up so many questions though like What do I actually like to do? How does that actually turn into a job? Can I do it? Do I want to move for it? I feel like this whole job hunt has turned into a hunt for myself because until now I think I’ve just put it on a shelf and never looked back. I have no idea what I really like to do, how I want to be in life or what I truly want out of life.Honestly I just feel so much more lost than I ever thought I could and that makes me feel like a failure. I’m 23, working a shitty part-time job, no car, no degree, a decent amount of debt to my name, no direction oh and I still live at home.

I guess I’m feeling a little like I’ve hit rock bottom. My life is not at all bad though thats the thing. I have a wonderful boyfriend who I can see a real future with, I have a great relationship with my family so living at home still isnt so bad. I have some great friends who are super supportive and then I have my person. She is litterally my best friend and other half so she knows me better than anyone else.

Thinking of those things makes me confused about why I feel so lost if I still have so much thats good in my life. I guess in a way I want to know that I’m not alone in this feeling but also I want to find my place, wherever it ends up being.

Why I Started a Blog

I decided to start a blog honestly mainly for myself. Many people have told me that I should start some sort of social media but I had always brushed them off saying I wasn’t into the idea or I didn’t see the point. I’m finally at the point where I’m ready to start sharing parts of my life mainly as a way for me to vent about things but also a thought process. There also likely will be some reviews on things I love or even music I’m into at the moment.

I’m currently going through a bit of a rough time because I recently just turned 23 and I have absolutely no idea what I’m doing with my life. I just feel very lost and have no clue as to where I want to go in life. This blog is going to be about experiences I’ve had and things I’ve learned.  There however will be somethings to know about me

  1. I will be typing my blogs as if I were to be telling you this in person, so my grammar will not be the best
  2. I do not expect anything to come out of this
  3. The content here might be offensive to some people because I do curse often

 

Bare with me please as I slowly learn how to blog.